Tuesday, April 03, 2018

Sitting and thinking

I have been doing a lot of thinking recently.

Some days it manifests as napping, or seated meditation or wall staring. 
Regardless of its form, I have been doing a lot of reflecting.

I think my rant (previous post) got under my skin...
and seeing it there made me realize I was upset over things that I really don't have space for.
Nor, do I want to have space for...

As I have been aging away from baby-making years, 
I find that the first few years (10 or so) were beyond comprehension painful.
I found depths of sadness I never knew existed.
I almost slipped forever into those places, never to return.
I will never forget those times, although they are years away, they are very close still.

I am thankful for that minuscule/tiny spark in me that said to keep fighting...
keep being a badass, a noisemaker, a warrior.

As I am much farther down that path, 
I am thankful for my bodies ability to heal and recover 
and find new ways to make me fall in love with it again.

I can be okay with turning away from the baby oogling and cooing.
I am okay smiling at toddlers as they give me deer in headlight stares from shopping carts.
I am okay not being Okay with something one day and totally fine with it another.
I am giving myself permission to listen if I want and 
walk away if it don't feel connected with talk of children. 

This last month was endometriosis awareness month
and there was a big campaign on Instagram about it...
people declaring they were or someone they cared about was 1 in 10
people dealing with Endo.
One of the questions asked of the community was:
What gift has your Endo diagnosis given you?
I engaged and said:
 That after my stage 4 diagnosis, I was freed of guilt.
I realized that my infertility reflected nothing I had done wrong. 
I had done nothing wrong

I am practicing in a new yoga studio these days and have pumped up my practice to daily. 
This new studio is closer to home and has a lot of different kinds of classes.
One I take twice a week has been teaching me real meditation skills and I have already found them to be reflecting in my daily routines.*

This last weekend I spent two days cooking for Passover.
I made everything from scratch and we hosted my parents, a new tradition for us.
*The Barren mentioned that I was quite calm, and not frantic like I normally am.

We started this tradition because my mother would be working her tail off of days and when the family came for dinner she never sat and enjoyed the meal herself...for like 45+ years! 
so I make her meal and she and my father sit and enjoy the meal without chaos and distractions and have conversations with us.

This year, I did all the cooking and served a super homemade meal...
My father was not impressed
He didn't like most of what I made and told me so.

*I listened and heard him and sat in those critiques

After they left, I quietly washed dishes and sat down.
I overslept the alarm for class the next morning....
When I was finally awake, The Barren asked if I was alright...
I had been standing for the last two days, and it made sense that I was tired.

I told him I felt hurt that my efforts to impress my father made no difference to my father....
but I understood that I was seeking validation for something I wanted to do.
He not liking the food was his thing.
*Me feeling hurt that he didn't like the food was mine;
I needed to focus on the fact that I enjoyed making the food, 
and thinking of family that had made it before me.
I had no space or desire for the negative places I went

I was more aware of myself now  

I am becoming more aware of who I am now...
and for that I am thankful

Saturday, March 03, 2018

Pet Peeve AKA Rant

Okay, I have to admit, as time passes I have found that I have a new pet peeve.
I can not stand when people post on social media how proud and excited they are
 that their children are actualizing and becoming small humans.
So excited little child has pooped in the potty
So excited little child slept for three hours
So excited only threw up twice today
so excited ate food

Image result for frustrated gif

you don't need to report that your child is acting like any other human 
wow, not only did you procreate but now you are surprised 
that your little human are now acting like a little human


Saturday, February 17, 2018

Celebrity Reading

In Her Own Words: Lena Dunham on Her Decision to Have a Hysterectomy at 31

I read this yesterday and it was strangely familiar to me
down to the nitty gritty details- in a strange and comforting way

I was able to keep my uterus 
and still advocate for it every year
but there was a time I had this on the table and it was a valid and real choice 

Friday, February 16, 2018

Olympic Sized Triggers

I don't know what it is like in other countries with the Olympic advertisers....
but here in the US, the sponsors are running ads that are triggering the hell outta me 
and making me dread every breakaway while watching the athletes compete.

If it is not a credit card company, it is some ad about how moms are great and make athletes superstars from their love and care and drinking milk.


Thursday, February 15, 2018

Random Encounters

I was feeling blue today, rough start to the day perhaps or just a flood of feelings...regardless I took a moment and said to myself 
" you gotta change this"
so I started doing things that my therapist use to call "Chopping wood and carrying water"
movement through sorrow...the key is to move, both literally and mentally.

We have a bunch of money paperwork in our bedroom, 
it is bad Feng Shui
so I decided to tackle that and get it out of our bedroom and stored somewhere more appropriate.
I made a list of things I needed and headed out to the 99cent store for office supplies.

I was cruising the aisles and turned the corner to encounter a man that was 
about 400 pounds and 6 foot 2
holding two pairs of hedge trimmers.

He said that " this is what you do to your husband" 
I responded that I loved him too much to hurt him.

I guess that opened the door for his unsolicited advice on how to reach the divine.
I was to call them forth by simply calling their name three times while touching acupressure points on my face and breathing in a certain pattern and they would manifest 

( I could only think about Beetlejuice at this point )
Related image

He then continued to tell me how I could radically change my life with his processes and that he had cured addicts with this breathing and meditation techniques.
He then reached into his pocket on his shorts and pulled the top card off a stack of business cards and told me to go to the website and watch all the videos and read all the information there.

I in turn was taking this opportunity to listen
be present 
watch his hands and my enviroment
and remember that sometimes people just need to talk to someone.

I then said about four times
thank you for the information 
It could make for a very enjoyable weekend.
(with no intent of looking up the website, 
because in my mind I was sure it would have a virus or some creepy spyware.
I try to be kind- but not stupid)

As I was walking away he asked if I had children
I giggled under my breath
I said no
He then said that was good, because " kids these days are nothing but trouble"
I told him I had still had hope for them
at that, he asked if I knew where the superglue was.

It got me out of my mood.
It also kept me on my toes, and I was making note of where he was and making sure he wasn't watching me or following me.

That part sucked the most. 

Friday, February 09, 2018

Checking in with myself

Most of the sadness has been processed now and recovery and rebuilding is in full swing.
Those things are helping me, personally move forward at a more normal pace.
I feel like a soft shelled crab, rebuilt but still fragile.

I also feel quite ex·trav·a·gant
I have been practicing at two yoga studios for the past month.
I am doing yoga 6 days a week and it feels great, but it is a pace I can not maintain financially.
in 10 days it will all stop. 
I tried a yin yoga class, and it had me in very deep stretches for very long periods of time, example a seated forward fold for 6 minutes...it was intense and relaxing and I was so very sore the next day.
 A good lesson in humility indeed.

I have also discovered some new feats my body has mastered:
 Optical migraines
Tooth grinding

I thought I was going blind one night and called my eye doctor who after examining my eyes confirmed that I was not going blind but was experiencing all the visual disruptions of an optical migraine, but I did not get the headache. Instead, shortly after leaving his office I got a repeat performance of optical distortion and a whopper of a headache.
In an effort to comfort me, he said that if the disturbance is in both eyes it is your brain. If your issue is only in one eye, most likely it is an issue with the eye....
so I kept saying to myself as I waited for the migraine pill to kick in...
you are fine, it is just your brain.

Then as a second act of adulting I went to get the dentist for the 6 month check-up
(which I postponed twice because of fires and mudslides)
and found out that I am grinding my teeth again!
I was shocked as that is something I haven't done since my infertility days, which resulted in a migraine that last for two months...and all sorts of other tests.
Turns out I have been doing a lot of it recently and I successfully chipped enamel from my back tooth that now needs to be repaired by my dentist that appears to be 20 years old and has a picket fence of white straight perfect teeth.

This adult stuff is not for the faint of heart....
body maintenance and upkeep is something that you don't think about when you are younger and dreaming of being an adult.

Wednesday, January 24, 2018

The other side

The freeway is open again after it being closed for 2 weeks.
21 of the 23 missing are accounted for and deceased.
The final two are children, a 2 year old and a 16 year old
The search dogs are still seeking and are still hoping to find them.

It has been a surreal experience to say the least. 
Even as someone on the outer edges of the actual event.
Our towns are small and friendly and everyone knows someone.
I mean EVERYONE knows someone.

I was away from my yoga community for two weeks and it felt like an eternity.
I got a couple emails checking on me and seeing how I was on the other side of the mud
I took the train into work once, as it was allowed through the slide area, but not automobiles.
It was a 12 hour process from start to finish for a 40 mile commute and 6.5 hour workday

I spent most of my time think and hoping that search and rescue would continue to find people.
I also finished some artwork that is opening in a museum show next weekend.
That time was a gift, as I was able to work on it almost uninterrupted and without concern.

A local yoga studio opened last week, and I had purchased around Xmas a pre-opening special pass for a month of unlimited classes. So I was thankful to get into a studio to practice and work my kinks out. My whole body ached, my mind went to dark places way to quickly and I was not sleeping much at all. I was glad to get into the first class this last Friday and then again on Sunday.

I was able to drive to work on Monday and did yoga at my normal studio and it was strange 
(I can not find the right word to describe the new reality).
A lot of the people in class are still evacuated from their homes, and I heard more stories of loss and lives gone and last moments.
It was like having a javelin thrown into my chest over and over again.
My job was to simply listen and hug and listen some more.
I was glad to be among my community, and even though I could feel the pain and sadness it was still nice to be able to be there for people and with people.
A comfort of sorts for my bruised heart.

It has been quite a whirlwind of stress these last couple of months!
Fire and rains and mudslides.

I do feel like as the little sprouts of green start to appear on the hillsides across the street, that things are beginning again, regardless if we are all ready. 
I am thankful for that reminder from Mother Nature, as bittersweet as it is.

I remember when my bruises and puncture wounds began to heal on my body; I was sad that there were no longer external signs of the suffering from infertility. 
Instead it was reminding me to be thankful that my body is still powerful and capable of healing.
 In the same way, our hillsides are starting that same process, of healing themselves again. 
That is to be applauded and admired.