Friday, November 11, 2016

Thursday, November 10, 2016

sucker punched

It feels as though I was sucker punched.
Walked into an alley and beat up with no knowledge or reason

I did not vote for that man
I do not support his agenda (as vague as it is)
I do not tolerate hate, xenophobia, or misogyny
I do not think fear is the way to motivate people

I want to be clear
this is NOT who I am, 
nor does this man and his clan of huntsmen 
represent anything I stand for.

He is not what so many of my immigrant forefamily
came seeking in America.

I am ashamed and embarrassed
not only in this but myself for not seeing 
just how racist and sexist this country really is!

I am a dreamer and believer 
and it just walked right past my sparkling dreamer eyes 

Tuesday, November 08, 2016


I woke up this morning feeling emotional, more than I expected.
I mailed our ballots in two weeks ago 
I called my mother weeping
I am now on pins and needles
So much is at stake
So much worry
I spoke out when I saw women friends claiming to not want to vote
I learned who really harbors hate for other people
I learned what is important to me
I voted, I voted for myself but mostly for my niece and nephews future
I voted for my and any other woman's reproductive rights 
I voted for my LGBTQ friends
I voted for my earth
I am voting for a change
I am a nasty woman, who is grabbing back her pussy and playing her woman card!

Saturday, October 29, 2016

Anniversary-many years later

It is the anniversary of my 1st of three miscarriages on tomorrow

and then 
It is our wedding anniversary on Tuesday
We will be celebrating 24years together and 14years married. 

In the meantime I am quiet...I feel kind of sideswiped/wounded.
I woke up feeling okay,
started about my day, but something feels off.

Muscle memory maybe?

My heart has been beating along as normal.
but there is a heaviness.

As of late, I have been referring to our never to be child as our star child.
Made of love and stardust.
It is in an effort to include them as a element into our living lives,
but understand that they are not physically here,
but still able to be seen and felt deeply.
The Barren seems to be okay with this new development.
I think this is me hoping it is another step towards feeling alright.

I am set to work a photo-shoot tomorrow, doing a family shoot for a friend with a toddler.
The one who named her child the name we had secretly picked for our own child.

I assume after the job is done, I will need a nap or a drink or both wrapped in a cuddle.

Even after all these years, I still feel it so deeply.
One thing I do differently, is that I give myself space now to feel it.
Feel all of it, deep and dark and big and bright.

That is the reminder of stardust.

Saturday, October 15, 2016

Movie review and warning

Movie binge watching, had me stumble on the second half of the movie By The Sea-Movie 
which I had no idea what it was about other than it was panned as 
being an Arthouse film or "really boring"

I thought it was more art film than boring...I sometimes like to watch things unfold slowly and with a hot bathtub scene with beautiful people I was watching...

The charaters were clearly tortured and working on being either ok with each other or deciding to not be ok with each other.
It was the ending I was not expecting...
I literally said out loud to the television " are you kidding me?!"

*******SPOILER ALERT**********

She can't have kids, and has suffered two miscarriages and has retreated into herself.
I get it....
I get it well

So if you know that going into the film it might make the whole thing strangely familiar as far as emotions and actions and feelings 
More like a post card to yourself from yourself from times gone by.

Monday, October 10, 2016

Time marches on


Ducklings in paper dresses....lets start here.

I have been wanting to write here.

I just got back from a weekend visit with my bestie.
We live several hundred miles apart and so visiting often is quite involved.
This time, we made arrangements a month+ ahead of time 
and I got an AirBnB 
and had The Barren take an extra day off to recover from the travel time.

When we arrived we hit the ground running.
My bestie talked my ear off <3 p="">
She was sooooooooo excited to see me that she just kept talking and talking and talking....
It was great and exhausting.
I ate like a queen, 
and covered The Barren in kisses of appreciation 
for making and supporting the time away.

The Barren was recovering/processing of sorts, 
from a sudden and unexpected death of a coworker.
This time together was needed.

We spent the time away talking and being quiet and just being.
Bestie has a child, who we are close with and who is the most well adjusted 
young person I have ever known.
He is an only child and has been treated as a human from day one 
and it is reflected in his mood and demeanor.
The Barren and I are listed as caregivers should something horrible happen to his parents.
He was able to choose, and we were happy to be those people for him.
So it is all legal and stuff...
He is growing up fast and has landed firmly into tweenhood
Time marches on

I got this photo in my email today:
"do you recognize the blanket"
I made that blanket for her older brother as a baby shower gift.
It was a reminder of how far down this road I have traveled.
How long ago I was making blankets for friends babies, and wishing for my own.
Like a moving meditation, make a blanket, earn more points to me getting a baby of my own.
The above child was conceived while I was having miscarriages and I threw her mother a shower, thinking I could still do it all. 
Once this little lady was born, I told her mom (who I've known since we were 14yrs old)
that I could not be what she needed of me...
she has respected that and we send hellos every once in a while.
Time marches on

Then today I also got an email asking if someone could use an image from my Infertility Art Exhibition....this exhibition was 6 years ago and I am still getting requests for image use.
time marches on

Here I am three weeks away from my first miscarriage anniversary and I am getting reminders of how long ago we left the path for parenthood but also how far we have traveled.
Time marches on

Tuesday, September 20, 2016

Soapboxing and babble

On the day after the democratic convention I was so taken by the idea that 
we might be able to get women in positions of power
I was a bit emotionally overcome and felt my inner suffragette start to roar....
I got this shirt

I believe we are the closest we have ever been to shifting the patriarchal structure
which is exciting and LONNNNNG overdue
I needed to add my two cents by being a human billboard

The other day I wore this shirt out in public.
I live in a mixed political neighborhood...
so I have not wanted to invite screams or bullying
Instead we went to a nearby town that is far more granola

I had forgotten what I was one often does after getting dressed in the morning.
I hear some snickers...
I didn't think anything of it for a while and then when I heard one of the people repeat what was written on my shirt...I knew the cause.
I was not sure how to interpret her response...but she seemed tickled by the words.
So I will take it as an OK response, and thankfully not a verbally abusive one.

This political environment has not only myself, but friends having nightmares about the circus possibilities. The family that agrees with the potential of circus america is even harder to avoid on social media...I just keep filling my feed with period positive articles, women's health changes and  positive options for the world around us. Avoiding confrontations with said family.

Speaking of circuses:

We attended a child's 1st birthday party, a friend of ours....the one that used the name we had secreted away for our own never to be baby. 
I can say the baby's name now and not have it hurt so deeply...I created a mantra that repeated that he was not our "baby name" but a different one.
The baby was not the only baby there, in fact it felt like everyone brought babies.
There were new babies, toddlers and small children.
The Barren and I stayed for a bit, and when the cake came out we left soon afterwards.
We were quiet and in funny moods we went home and ate some potato chips and watched crappy TV to decompress.
 In the big picture world, that is a major step.
In our current world, it is still a bump for us in a day; one that takes an entire day to recover from and requires quiet, and junk food and mood swings.

I've read many times over that "mercury is in retrograde"- which always made me think....
hold strong, shits about to REALLY hit the fan. 
Recently though, while at a coffee shop I was given some words of wisdom from another woman who was also waiting for caffeine.
She looked like Joan Jett so I think that drew me into her words.
She explained that mercury in retrograde really means that we should look inward and how we talk to ourselves and ask to be heard. It helps our brains de-clutter and reconfigure.

So on that note...I am off to abuse the post-it notes and reconfigure