Thursday, January 12, 2017

Silence in between

I have been quiet again.
I had my HUGE annual art opening and this year I kept telling The Barren that something felt different. He told me that I was anxious each year, and that I was simply feeling that.
It turns out, that my work has yet to sell.
For the last 6years it has sold either before the show opened, or at opening night.
This year it is still hanging on the wall, unsold.
This pretty much CRUSHED my fragile and small sense of self.
I have carried this in my heart like a heavy stone.

I focused on the holidays, but after throwing up Hanukkah...
 I got a was a new years eve gift I guess...
It had me out of both society and yoga and 
The Barren told me I was acting like a grumpy 14 year old.

I will own that.

I don't like being sick...I don't like my freedom of motion infringed on
in any level; 
whether it is a runny nose or a sore muscle or a cough that won't let me sleep, 
or a car that is out for the afternoon getting an oil change....
I am bossy and grumpy that way.

It seems the cold has finally hit the road and I am getting back into my groove.
While on "holiday" I tried to work on my relationship with food.

I have one, going vegan has made me look at food differently,
not that I had an issue before but now there is a lot of guilt 
associated with food that was not there before.

Over the holiday, I worked on loosing the grip on my restrictions.
I had crackers
I had "ice cream"
I had cake
I ate bread
I ate chips
Now looking at this list I think, oh gosh look at all that bad food.
The food isn't bad, my relationship with it is.

I repeated a mantra I use when I am faced with being "decadent" 
and thinking about how long it will take to make up for the decision.
exercise is not punishment for what I ate, it is a celebration of what my body can do.

I used kinder words with my self talk and simply said, you need a break.
You are doing nothing wrong eating something different here and there.

Now all the "holiday" food is out of the house 
and I am eating dates to combat my sweet tooth
 and drinking green tea to kick the caffeine to the curb.

Things are clearing in my head, I also realize that:
I am still reeling from this election and each day, the USA seems darker and scarier.

I am trying to manage this too...
I am not watching news anymore, listening to NPR for a short time daily.
I only watch movies
FLEABAG on Netflix was fun...and dark

I am sitting in the studio a lot, staring at the wall...but I am showing up.
I am an artist, my job is to make art.

I am back at my 3-4 times a week of practice...
which is really my mental health appointment with myself.

I am excited about the Women's March in 8 days...
The Barren and I are going because we need to go!
I am trying to figure out what I want our signs to say.

Mostly I am trying to find how I fit into this new crazed place.
It may appear that I am sitting in silence, but I am really planning and plotting.
I have never been one to be quiet in the face of something that is bothering me.
It has caused problems before, but now...
My parents joked that they will put some money aside to "bail me out of jail"

I have no intention of getting myself arrested
but my voice will not be silent.

Monday, December 26, 2016

I threw up Hanukkah

Homemade jelly filled donuts

I've been off of sorts since the election.
I am not going to get political today...
but I have been overwhelmed with emotions and feelings and anger at times.
Yoga has been a saving grace for me...and the classes have been packed since the election,
I am not alone in trying to find some solace of mental health.
I am eating clean and so when Hanukkah came around this year I offered to make dinner here for my parents and The Barren offered to make dessert.
We had a lovely visit and watched my parents act like bickering siblings...over food, and facts and whatever else came along.
I made latkes and we had veggies and some meat (well The Barren and my father did)
then dessert!
I am not a donuts person, and so when they were made I offered to be the jelly filler 
and powder sugar cover-er. 
Important roles and one I enjoyed a lot!
I sat down and ate two! they were yummy and my lips were coated in white!
It was great and the sugar surged through me and I was moving faster and faster and we chatted some more and then my parents called it a night and headed home.
I sat on the couch while the dishwasher ran the first load of dishes and fell asleep.
When I woke up with a start a half and hour later...I ran to the bathroom and threw up Hanukkah.
Too much...
oil, sugar and too much

It was a vast reminder that I have eaten really clean for a long time 
and fried food is not something I can really deal with....anymore.
I gotta figure out a new latke recipe that I can bake or adjust 

Now that Christmas has past, 
ideally those crazy tear jerking commercials will fade away for another year.
I don't have to think about how many baby photos will come in the mail and how many family pics will fill our mantle.
I greeted each one this year with a smile and took in all the joy conveyed in the images...
but knew something was different at our place.
And as I brainstorm about what kind of new years card we will send out...I often find myself thinking
" what will show them that we are really happy, even without kids"
I know it is messed up, and a bit like a keeping up with the Jones' kind of thing.
But it is true....

I don't want to throw up any more celebration
I just want to keep it real

Friday, November 11, 2016

Thursday, November 10, 2016

sucker punched

It feels as though I was sucker punched.
Walked into an alley and beat up with no knowledge or reason

I did not vote for that man
I do not support his agenda (as vague as it is)
I do not tolerate hate, xenophobia, or misogyny
I do not think fear is the way to motivate people

I want to be clear
this is NOT who I am, 
nor does this man and his clan of huntsmen 
represent anything I stand for.

He is not what so many of my immigrant forefamily
came seeking in America.

I am ashamed and embarrassed
not only in this but myself for not seeing 
just how racist and sexist this country really is!

I am a dreamer and believer 
and it just walked right past my sparkling dreamer eyes 

Tuesday, November 08, 2016


I woke up this morning feeling emotional, more than I expected.
I mailed our ballots in two weeks ago 
I called my mother weeping
I am now on pins and needles
So much is at stake
So much worry
I spoke out when I saw women friends claiming to not want to vote
I learned who really harbors hate for other people
I learned what is important to me
I voted, I voted for myself but mostly for my niece and nephews future
I voted for my and any other woman's reproductive rights 
I voted for my LGBTQ friends
I voted for my earth
I am voting for a change
I am a nasty woman, who is grabbing back her pussy and playing her woman card!

Saturday, October 29, 2016

Anniversary-many years later

It is the anniversary of my 1st of three miscarriages on tomorrow

and then 
It is our wedding anniversary on Tuesday
We will be celebrating 24years together and 14years married. 

In the meantime I am quiet...I feel kind of sideswiped/wounded.
I woke up feeling okay,
started about my day, but something feels off.

Muscle memory maybe?

My heart has been beating along as normal.
but there is a heaviness.

As of late, I have been referring to our never to be child as our star child.
Made of love and stardust.
It is in an effort to include them as a element into our living lives,
but understand that they are not physically here,
but still able to be seen and felt deeply.
The Barren seems to be okay with this new development.
I think this is me hoping it is another step towards feeling alright.

I am set to work a photo-shoot tomorrow, doing a family shoot for a friend with a toddler.
The one who named her child the name we had secretly picked for our own child.

I assume after the job is done, I will need a nap or a drink or both wrapped in a cuddle.

Even after all these years, I still feel it so deeply.
One thing I do differently, is that I give myself space now to feel it.
Feel all of it, deep and dark and big and bright.

That is the reminder of stardust.

Saturday, October 15, 2016

Movie review and warning

Movie binge watching, had me stumble on the second half of the movie By The Sea-Movie 
which I had no idea what it was about other than it was panned as 
being an Arthouse film or "really boring"

I thought it was more art film than boring...I sometimes like to watch things unfold slowly and with a hot bathtub scene with beautiful people I was watching...

The charaters were clearly tortured and working on being either ok with each other or deciding to not be ok with each other.
It was the ending I was not expecting...
I literally said out loud to the television " are you kidding me?!"

*******SPOILER ALERT**********

She can't have kids, and has suffered two miscarriages and has retreated into herself.
I get it....
I get it well

So if you know that going into the film it might make the whole thing strangely familiar as far as emotions and actions and feelings 
More like a post card to yourself from yourself from times gone by.